HOW A LONG TERM COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP GREW ME INTO MYSELF AND CHANGED MY LIFE

Kate H. Feldman, MSW, LCSW

A COMMITMENT TO PERSONAL HUMAN LOVING

Commitment to marriage was one of the best things I have ever done to grow myself into mature adulthood. I think I was already pretty well adjusted; I went to college, I have a Masters degree; I spent many years doing intensive spiritual growth work, from which I learned to b self aware, self sufficient, and compassionate toward myself. I meditate, do yoga and have gone into all sorts of mystical spaces; and I lived and worked with a community of people doing service that was deeply satisfying and soul- expanding. I learned the art of making my heart big enough for everyone and set aside my personal desires for the good of the larger community. I built a powerful life vision on which to build my future.

But when I decided to marry I was responding to a call within me to experience the natural impulse to love and be loved personally. At the time I was deeply in love, but the inner work I had done gave me trust that the romantic experience of in love-ness was the tip of a profoundly rich iceberg that was to be the rest of my life. In the years of my marriage extraordinary inner transformation has occurred. I am not saying that I am finished growing, but I can say that through my partnership I have experienced growth and development in ways that were unavailable to me as a single woman.

How did that happen? I often ask myself the same question. When I observe each day of our lives together I don't experience altered states of consciousness or the feeling that there's anything special happening. Yet when I look back on a week, or over a couple of months, and especially over several years, I know I have changed dramatically. I am going to make an attempt to describe how marriage has transformed me. I don't know if it's a universal principle. All I know is that I am more uniquely myself, more available emotionally and energetically, and more content in my life than I have ever been.

STAYING IN THE RING OF RELATIONSHIP GUARANTEES TRANSFORMATION

For me, commitment arises out of my desire to know love. I yearn to be loved. I yearn to express love. I feel urged from within my soul to find the love in all things. I am always looking for ways this can happen in every one of my interactions. Sometimes a love connection happens, sometimes it doesn't. It all depends on my limited concepts, which keep me boxed into certain ways of experiencing love. But I am always yearning.

When my husband and I married, we made this commitment: No matter what, we will stay in the ring of this relationship. We will not run away. We will do what is necessary to keep building love and trust. We will honor the yearning of our hearts and find it together, no matter what it takes. We believed that within our marriage lay the key to our individual inner transformation.

We wouldn't have had to make a formal commitment. We could have been partners, or roommates, or friends. We could set conditions and limits on our loving, and we might feel better and more in control of our lives if we did. But that's not what either of us is about. We are about the passion and aliveness that results from staying present to whatever comes up in our selves and each other. We want to explore the full range of human intimacy. For us marriage is the commitment to explore love in all its depth, subtle nuances, fear, and glory. It is a choice. It is the ground on which we stand as our lives unfold, cross paths, even diverge.

WORKING IT OUT WHEN WE’RE FIGHTING

As a result of our commitment I feel absolutely safe to show up. When we fight, I know I can be mad as hell, and even if he hates me in the moment, or withdraws, or yells back, I feel certain in the core of my belly that we will eventually work it out. Once we were in a conflict and I was furious about the way he was interacting with me. I was using all the wrong tools to express myself. I was making him wrong and he was feeling angry, upset, and pushed. In his upset he was being mean. I got so mad that I told him "This is it! I refuse to interact with you in this way. I have no tolerance and I'm out of here!"

Actually I was terrified and unable to tolerate my own feelings of anger and upset, but I was unable to own that at the time. What "out of here" meant was "away from this situation and all this pain until you change." I was scared and didn't trust myself to work it out. I slammed doors and ran downstairs. Outside in the cold I thought to myself, "I love this man. He is being a jerk right now. I am being a jerk right now (even though I desperately want to be right about my position). I have no idea how to do it but I am determined to build love out of this." I went back inside. He asked me if I was ready to talk about what was going on. He was still mad, but I could tell that he was also thinking about our commitment to work it out no matter what.

We went back and forth for a long time before either of us was willing to let go and be vulnerable. We hurt each other many times as we talked. We almost gave up several times thinking it was too hard and maybe we could pretend the hurt and blame would just go way.

But I knew better and so did he. "You can't run away," I coached myself. "Face yourself now. Be present now. Open your heart now". It was really hard. I wanted so much to be right. But in our marriage, being right is not what brings growth and deeper trust. So I let go. I am committed to being in relationship no matter what. And he let go too. Little by little we took responsibility, owned our stuff, shared our wounding, asked to have our needs met, and negotiated where one of us felt we couldn't stretch any further.

The result? Not all of our needs got met. Neither of us proved we were right. Our hearts felt sore from bringing forth so much of our pain and inflicting it on each other. But a fabulous thing happened. Each of us had the opportunity to be completely and fully ourselves. The freedom to be all of me, bright as well as dark, is the greatest gift anyone can give me. When I am free to be, I integrate pieces of me that have been split off, and I grow.

This is what commitment looks like in our relationship: We are committed to our own personal growth. We are committed to each other's. We are committed to the growth of the relationship. Some of the time it's really hard, lots of the time it's blissful and exhilarating. All of the time it takes a lot of work.

MARRIAGE AND SPIRITUAL WORK

For me transformation means dissolving core negative patterning through the process of whatever spiritual disciplines one happens to be practicing. The result of such transformation is no less than the birth of new consciousness. This consciousness is expressed through my individual personality and life. As I evolve I am able to contain more life energy because I am less clouded by old habits. As I expand in consciousness I am closer to the experience of my true nature, which is connectedness to all of life. For me committed partnering is the perfect daily practice, designed specifically to unwind deep unconscious blocks to loving connection.

Here is how our wounds and defense patterns look when we're really in conflict: I need him to be present and reassuring, not withdrawing; he becomes silent and withdrawn. He needs me to validate, trust and not shame him; I become controlling, demanding, and shaming. Each time one of us goes into the reaction pattern that protects us from the pain of our unmet childhood needs, the other's unmet needs are activated. This can be disastrous, and has been. There have been times when we have reached such an impasse that neither of us thought we'd make it through.

HOW LOVING EACH OTHER HELPS HEAL OLD WOUNDS

However, by listening to each other through many dialogues, we have made an interesting discovery. The very thing that he needs from me to support his healing is the hardest thing for me to provide. It is hardest for me to change my controlling behaviors because they are my old ways of making sure I will be loved and cared for. And the very thing I need from my partner is the hardest for him to give. He is least likely to come forth from his silent protective place when I am scared or acting out, because being there is his old primal way of feeling OK and secure. When I am demanding, why would he want to come forth when there is such a possibility of being shamed? And when he is silent, why would I want to come forth when there is more possibility of being abandoned again?

At first glance it may seem that our patterns and needs are contradictory. In fact they do create conflict between us. However, we see the patterns as complementing each other and pointing toward a significant spiritual practice. Our commitment is to use our relationship as a tool to dissolve whatever is in the way of our true inner freedom. We have learned that gifting each other with healing support is the key to our individual transformation. By actively owning behaviors that hurt each other instead of heal, we embrace parts of ourselves that were previously split off. By stretching into new, more supportive ways of relating and communicating, we continually birth new consciousness for each of us. This is what keeps our relationship exciting and fresh.

OPENING UP TO NEEDS & FEELINGS; THEN TALKING TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THEM.

We now practice experiencing our needs without reactive behaviors. We tell each other what is happening and own up to these moments when we can't change. We acknowledge to each other that we're transforming ourselves through the rigorous disciplines of communication and letting go. We look to see how our patterns are complementary and remind each other that we are open to meeting conflict and pain because our marriage is a spiritual journey.

I imagine that you, the reader, might be wondering what happened to all the fun, cozy, and pleasurable aspects of a partnership? It sounds like a lot of work. Can't relationship just be a safe haven where I feel good and get my needs met?

In our marriage, the fun, the cozy times, the great sex, the fulfillment from raising our son - all arise out of our commitment to transformation. Nothing gels without the inner personal work we are doing together. We're not satisfied with an average life; we both want an experience of ultimate aliveness. Drawing on all that life offers me, I dig deep and take big risks. Marriage offers me the biggest risk I can imagine. The result: A wide-open, expansive life, and love that deepens every day. A relationship that supports the two of us and our family in becoming the biggest we can be. And, finally, an ever- increasing experience of the spirit within all things.

All rights reserved. JOEL FELDMAN, CPCC AND KATE FELDMAN, MSW, LCSW
The Conscious Relationships Institute, Durango, CO. www.consciousrelationships.com

JOEL FELDMAN, CPCC AND KATE FELDMAN, MSW, LCSW
The Conscious Relationships Institute Durango, CO

Whether you’re single or part of a couple, we’re passionate about helping you create the most fulfilling relationships with the people you love. We believe the future of humanity depends upon people skillfully and consciously loving each other and their children. We want to help end the cycle of generational wounding that gets passed on through families, communities, nations, and our global family. Specifically, our approach will facilitate you in experiential exploration of yourself and educate you in the practice of new relationship behaviors and skills.

We are a couple working on our own relationship. Our relationship services are based on our personal experimentation and practice. We promise you a safe, opening and transformative experience in which to learn and practice the relational skills we share with you.

We have been helping couples, singles, and groups create satisfying relationships for nearly thirty years. Joel is a certified life skills coach, couples therapist, mediator and organizational consultant. Kate is a licensed psychotherapist whose focus is relationship transformation for couples and individuals. Our background includes Imago Relationship, Gestalt, and Family systems therapies, as well as EMDR. We were both founding members of Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, the largest residential wellness center on the east coast. Recently we realized a long time dream of bringing into our lives more adventure, sunshine, and connection to nature by relocating to southern Colorado from Massachusetts.

Please contact us...

Joel: 970-259-7585; Kate 970-259-3424