I recently read a quote from folk legend Josh Billings. He is credited with saying, "It ain't what a man knows what does him in. It's what he knows that ain't so no more." Ain't it the truth, both for men and women! Life seems to continually show us that what used to work just isn't any more. Let's face it, we are imperfect beings, constantly learning and hopefully improving ourselves. Because of our differences, we naturally bump into each other's fears, insecurities, and idiosyncrasies. An essential part of working with others is acknowledging this fact and learning how to manage the ups and downs of our differences. This we must do regardless of who we are trying to communicate with. Communicating effectively is one of the most important skills we can learn.

Communication skills are behaviors, attitudes, and methods of communication that help you relate to, and understand yourself and others. The benefits of intentionally practicing skillful relating are many. First, you will feel better about yourself. You will take charge of your communication, your listening, and your emotional responses. Second, you will open doors so others can do the same. Most of us want to feel energized and valuable in all of our interactions. So by acting and communicating well, you support the possibility that others might do the same. The third benefit to learning the art of skillful communication is that you will develop yourself personally. You will change old and ineffective ways of relating, empower yourself and others, and learn to accept differences between people. Your message will have a greater impact with more people more of the time.

Progress and Productivity
Last week I was speaking with a friend and colleague who consults with organizations. "You know,", he said, "what I'm seeing more clearly than ever is that the real power to accomplish anything in organizations flows through the avenue of relationship. And communication are primary." I was glad to hear him proclaim this. We've been arguing about it for a good long time. What we're both seeing is that in many fields, great producers get promoted to managerial positions based on their technical effectiveness or productivity. As a manager, the need for effective interpersonal skills is so great it often becomes a major obstacle to their progress. I'm no longer surprised when I get a call asking for training or coaching in this area.

Organizations are created because one person can't get the job done alone. Thus, we are interdependent upon one another to accomplish the purpose for which we exist. Because there are varying levels of buy-in to the mission, or simply because there is a chain of command, communication and motivation become necessary. When I'm working with an organization, it's not unusual to hear comments like: "I can't stand all the finger pointing around here," "They didn't check it out with us first, so why blame us now?," "He's so cold when giving me my assignments," "She never told me this wasn't what she wanted," "I don't believe anyone will be really honest with me," "Smaller misunderstandings don't get worked out and begin to feste.". When there are so many communications that need to happen in one day, the odds are some just won't. Often the scariest ones are avoided altogether leading to even greater misunderstanding and fault finding.

Communicating the Tough Stuff
It was once said, "In this life you get to be either right or happy.". It is worth remembering. Those unfortunate times when we aren't able to communicate our needs or feelings effectively often wind up creating anger, resentment, and criticism. Have you considered that anger and criticism are never effective tools for inspiring change in anyone, nor do they usually result in long term effectiveness. Continuous criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are sure predictors of emotional negativity leading to job dissatisfaction and decreased productivity. Communicating well, managing our feelings and working through conflict are all learned skills, just like walking and talking. Unfortunately, we don't learn skillful relating in most schools. You have to learn the skills and practice them to become the best communicator you can.

From time to time we all have a grievance or complaint about the way another's behavior has impacted us or our ability to get our job done. These can flow from an employer or employee, or from the delivery person to the vice-president. It is necessary in any working relationship to have conversations with one another about frustrations and/or needs that aren't getting met. William Blake once said that, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend." I believe that is because we expect more from our friends. When we are working closely with one another, our behavior impacts each other. There has to be room to discuss the expectations we have and create the possibility for greater clarity and less disappointment. The art of skillful feedback is especially important if I am trying to talk to you about one of your behaviors, which impacts me in a negative way. How else would we grow and change?

When I got a call from Elaine last winter asking for help with her communications at work I had no idea what was in store. A successful financial planner, Elaine had now become the chief operating officer for a growing investment firm. Much of her time was now taken up with running meetings, giving presentations and supervising her managers. The need for constant clarity in her communications was exacting a terrible toll on her health and well being. She wasn't loving life back then. Over the next six months we worked on areas like the challenge of leading group meetings, giving and receiving constructive feedback, listening instead of reacting and converting frustrations into personal development. As a result, her anxiety level lowered, she was able to be more honest with others and the people around her seemed to become happier as well. That kind of transformation is not unusual when someone works at it.

Communicating Effectively Comes With Practice, Perseverance
Here are five important communication skills to learn and practice. Certainly there are more than five, but these will get you started.

1.When you speak, use I statements. As much as you can, talk about what you think, what you feel, what you perceive, what you remember and what you imagine. If you speak from the I, it is easier to stop any blaming you might be doing. You will also take more responsibility for your own experience, instead of telling others that they make you feel this way or that way. This is called Responsible Relating. It helps you make a stand for who you are and what you believe and feel. It will certainly strengthen you as a person., but you'll have to be willing to stop blaming others and let go of any victim consciousness you have going inside you.

2.Listen. Every person in the world has value as a human being. Every person experiences their reality differently. There is no such thing as objective reality. We are all unique in our perceptions, our feelings and our personalities. Make a commitment to slow down your interactions and listen to the world of the other - no matter who it is. You will be amazed at what you learn. And you will be astounded at what happens. Concentrated listening helps solve problems, builds understanding and appreciation, gives us the opportunity to walk in another's shoes, and deepens connection.

3. Learn to identify your feelings. Most of us know what we are thinking. We easily talk about our opinions, judgments, beliefs and values. What we did not learn at school or from our families was the skill of identifying our emotions. Part of the reason for this is that in our culture there are some feelings that are judged more acceptable than others; for example girls in our society are taught that crying and frustration is more acceptable than being angry. Boys are socialized to suppress tears and sadness, but express anger and aggression.

The truth about feelings is that we all have all of them. If you can't identify your feelings, you can't choose when, whether and how to express them. They will leak out or explode in inappropriate ways.

To make it easy you can consolidate the vast array of human emotions into five categories: SAD (hurt, grief, disappointment etc.), MAD (annoyance, irritation, anger, rage etc.), GLAD (happy, joyous, content, satisfied etc.) AFRAID (fear, anxiety, apprehension etc.), EXCITED (thrilled, ecstatic, rapturous). Next time you have a few minutes, take a deep breath and try to identify what you are feeling in the moment. Do this a few times each day and notice how feelings come and go. They are not permanent, but they are important clues about who you are as a person.

4.Ask for what you need and want. Don't make people guess. Understand that needs and wants are perfectly normal. Your particular desires are part of what make you the unique human being you are. If you are someone who easily expresses needs and desires, great. Notice your reactions to getting what you want, as well as not getting what you want. Do you easily receive and feel appreciative when you are given to? Do you react or act out when you are disappointed? It is an art to receive deeply as well as bear disappointment and frustration.

5.Learn the art of giving feedback when someone is doing something you don't like. This is several step process and involves more explanation. The art of giving feedback is an essential skill by which you can clarify goals and expectations, solve problems and resolve conflicts. It involves sitting down and communicating consciously. It includes the skills of identifying your feelings, using I statements, and making requests. It also requires that you have built your ability to communicate honestly and fairly while working through problems with others.

Practice Makes Perfect
I won't tell you that you can learn and master these skills overnight. Proficiency takes time: First there is the learning curve of actually getting the skill down, then there is practice time, when you naturally feel awkward and clumsy. You may fall back to interacting in your old ways. After all, the old ways of speaking, listening, or solving problems will feel more familiar and comfortable. It may not be easy at first because you are breaking old patterns. You have to persevere because you know it's good for you, and in the long run good for building satisfying connections with your co-workers. You may even want to get some communication or relationship coaching as you practice and build your comfort level with these skills.

After practicing for awhile, you'll notice you begin to make these skills your own. You begin to know yourself better and you choose how and when to express yourself. Relationships at work and at home are freer and more satisfying. A great comfort and sense of aliveness accompanies the mastery of communication skills. After awhile they are not skills, but just your way of being in the world.

All rights reserved. JOEL FELDMAN, CPCC AND KATE FELDMAN, MSW, LCSW
The Conscious Relationships Institute, Durango, CO. www.consciousrelationships.com

JOEL FELDMAN, CPCC AND KATE FELDMAN, MSW, LCSW
The Conscious Relationships Institute Durango, CO

Whether you're single or part of a couple, we're passionate about helping you create the most fulfilling relationships with the people you love. We believe the future of humanity depends upon people skillfully and consciously loving each other and their children. We want to help end the cycle of generational wounding that gets passed on through families, communities, nations, and our global family. Specifically, our approach will facilitate you in experiential exploration of yourself and educate you in the practice of new relationship behaviors and skills.

We are a couple working on our own relationship. Our relationship services are based on our personal experimentation and practice. We promise you a safe, opening and transformative experience in which to learn and practice the relational skills we share with you.

We have been helping couples, singles, and groups create satisfying relationships for nearly thirty years. Joel is a certified life skills coach, couples therapist, mediator and organizational consultant. Kate is a licensed psychotherapist whose focus is relationship transformation for couples and individuals. Our background includes Imago Relationship, Gestalt, and Family systems therapies, as well as EMDR. We were both founding members of Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, the largest residential wellness center on the east coast. Recently we realized a long time dream of bringing into our lives more adventure, sunshine, and connection to nature by relocating to southern Colorado from Massachusetts.

Please contact us...

Joel: 970-259-7585; Kate 970-259-3424