Managing the Natural Stress of Relationships at Work

Joel Feldman

The relationships we have at work can either be a source of aggravation, exhaustion, and stress or rich learning and leadership development. Sometimes coping with a challenging colleague can even become the reason we quit our job. From a creative and positive standpoint, people like this can be referred to as a “therapeutic irritation”. Irritation is the part we’re sure about. People can engender powerful and even frightening emotions inside us. In order to get to the therapeutic side, we must activate our own inner alchemist and be willing to follow the old adage “when life shows up with a lemon, learn to make lemonade”. Mixing up a batch of relational lemonade can become a powerful and personally developmental solution to dealing with difficult folks at work. In order to accomplish this task, you’ll have to ask yourself some difficult questions: What can I learn from this situation? What is life trying to teach me right now? What is it about who I am that attracts this kind of person and/or situation to me? What inner resources can I muster up to help me deal with this in the most constructive way?

What we resist, persists
I mean, what are our options anyway? We can complain about it, blame and judge others, or bemoan the awful luck life has given us. We can shout to the universe and ask ”Why me”, as if some cosmic mistake has been made. We may even try to strike a deal with the big head hunter in the sky. “I wish those sweet folks down the street would call me for an interview….”, or “If only s/he would get a job offer s/he couldn’t possibly turn down…in Alaska.” We all know how to fantasize a myriad of escape plans in order to save ourselves from unpleasant interactions. We invest huge amounts of energy into resisting what actually does exist and wishing for it to be different. We work at managing our negative beliefs and fears, but, rather than decreasing, they actually grow bigger. Our resistance dramatically colors our entire experience, both internally and externally. We feel worse, mentally and physically, carrying the anxiety around with us. Our bodies tighten, we get headaches, back-aches, high blood pressure, and we’re exhausted. This is the classic stress response, the body’s way of coping with an untenable situation. Stress is sometimes referred to as the difference between what actually is and the way we want it to be. The more we complain about how life shows up, the worse we feel about it and the less energy we have to change it.

Communication happens
Do you focus more of your attention on what is going well in your life or what is not? It is so easy to slip into an attitude of “The glass is half empty” as opposed to “The glass is half full’. Can you imagine what a difference it would make if you approached your most current challenging relationships with an invitation to actually be in your life (because they already are) rather than a demand to get out? That would be like saying, “Welcome to my life. I’m sure you are here to help me improve myself, even though I haven’t figured out how just yet. You are probably here to help me, and no matter what I think, I’m sure I deserve you.” Well, that might not be the warmest welcome if spoken out loud, but it is a good start-especially when kept to yourself. People definitely feel the difference between being welcomed or not. We humans are communication machines. Whether we speak the words or not, communication happens. Our positive or negative intentions send a very real message that sets off a chain reaction in others, sooner or later.

Listening “Below the Waterline”
What takes place “above the waterline” are all the actions we perform to get us from point A to point B. Goals, strategies and to do’s. While we are engaged in getting the job done, there is another simultaneous process going on. This involves our deeper thoughts and feelings, which can be found “below the waterline” in our own inner processing plant. Here lies a whole world of imagination, reactions, fears, wishes and needs. For many people, this is a secret place where admission is granted to only a select few. For others, the gates are left wide open for all to see. The most effective people are very aware of their own inner landscape and can let others in on it when appropriate. Studies have shown that when a working atmosphere provides a way for people to express this side of themselves, enthusiasm and productivity almost always increase. In times of great stress, this is even more important. When I have worked with companies in a merger situation or integration process, “below the waterline” activity is off the charts. This is because people are in an emotionally stressful situation. Interestingly, what helps the process go more smoothly and quickly is taking a real interest in the feelings of those involved. Believe me, people watch to see whether anyone really cares enough about them to listen. When management listens there is always valuable information to consider. Sometimes, nothing else needs to happen. Listening is often enough.

“Tough stuff” for the long run
In our desire to get things done quickly, we often neglect taking the time to listen to what is essential. In productivity terms, that would be called taking the Short-Long approach. Trying to get something accomplished quickly, while taking shortcuts with your people usually backfires. People know they are not being considered or listened to. They don’t like it. As a result, they may pretend to get on board for a project, but their enthusiasm and full commitment won’t be there. They may even subtly sabotage the project. New initiatives can take more time and be more costly in the long run when “below the water line” agendas aren’t addressed up front. The Long-Short approach involves more participation, planning and integration time but pays off in faster implementation. This is usually more cost efficient in the long run. The affective (feeling) domain used to be referred to as the “soft stuff”. In some sectors there is an increased recognition of its value and people are now referring to it as the ”tough stuff”. We all know if it were easy, we’d be able to get it right more of the time.
As hockey great Wayne Gretsky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take”.

In order to make the most of information that lives “below the waterline” we must be willing to share it with the appropriate person at the appropriate time. It would be so nice if no matter what anyone said or did to us, we could simply ignore it and, by engaging in some positive self-talk, work out all our interpersonal conflicts. A co-worker isn’t holding up their share of the work, an employer repeatedly forgets to acknowledge contribution, an employee can’t seem to keep their space neat. Large or small, our desires, wishes, expectations or needs of each other easily turn into disappointments and frustrations.

Although extremely helpful, self examination is usually not sufficient by itself. This is where intelligent and courageous communication comes in. We have many ways of convincing ourselves that communicating our critical thoughts and feelings would be a very bad idea. “It’s not such a big deal”, “It would alienate them”, “It’d just make matters worse” are standard ways of talking ourselves out of communicating. The problem is that the disturbing behavior doesn’t go away and tends to repeat itself. All the while, the lack of information sharing is taking its toll on our working relationship and even our physical health. Usually, even the most determined of us, can hold onto our reactions for only so long. When that bubble bursts, it is often not a pleasant scene.

Solid, honest working relationships hold the key to employee morale, creativity and productivity. Creating a working climate where ongoing open communication is highly valued and supported is critical for long term success. When personal and straightforward communication is absent, stress builds up between people, no matter where on the organizational chart they find themselves. Although challenging to accomplish, maintaining supportive, stress-free relationships on-the-job is a task worth undertaking.

5 Tips to Help Smooth Out Workplace Irritations

1. Spend time regularly affirming what’s good (half-full) in your life. This is the best preventive medicine I know; it doesn’t cost anything or take any special skills to learn. Let others know often what you appreciate about working with them.

2. When someone frustrates you, take a look at how they are behaving versus how you want them to be. Take the risk to communicate what you want and even what has been disappointing for you. Do your best(to honestly communicate), then let go and accept the rest..

3. Take the time up front and pay attention to “below the waterline feelings”. It’s a sure way to help create support, buy-in and committed implementation. Ask people more questions like; “What do you think about that?” or “How are you feeling about the fact that the company is changing?” Practice listening and not interrupting until you have heard someone out

4. Risk communicating your little irritations with others before they become really big and effect your work together. Get third party help if necessary. If you have a conflict with someone, ask then if they’d be willing to sit down and talk about it. Let them know how you are thinking, feeling and perceiving things. Avoid blame and accusations as much as possible. Learn to make requests rather than demands; negotiate.

5. If nothing seems to be working, take some time to calm down and think out of the box: What can I learn from this person, this situation? What is life trying to teach me right now? What is it about who I am that attracts this kind of person and/or situation to me? What inner resources can I muster up to help me deal with this in the most constructive way?

All rights reserved. JOEL FELDMAN, CPCC AND KATE FELDMAN, MSW, LCSW
The Conscious Relationships Institute, Durango, CO. www.consciousrelationships.com

JOEL FELDMAN, CPCC AND KATE FELDMAN, MSW, LCSW
The Conscious Relationships Institute Durango, CO

Whether you’re single or part of a couple, we’re passionate about helping you create the most fulfilling relationships with the people you love. We believe the future of humanity depends upon people skillfully and consciously loving each other and their children. We want to help end the cycle of generational wounding that gets passed on through families, communities, nations, and our global family. Specifically, our approach will facilitate you in experiential exploration of yourself and educate you in the practice of new relationship behaviors and skills.

We are a couple working on our own relationship. Our relationship services are based on our personal experimentation and practice. We promise you a safe, opening and transformative experience in which to learn and practice the relational skills we share with you.

We have been helping couples, singles, and groups create satisfying relationships for nearly thirty years. Joel is a certified life skills coach, couples therapist, mediator and organizational consultant. Kate is a licensed psychotherapist whose focus is relationship transformation for couples and individuals. Our background includes Imago Relationship, Gestalt, and Family systems therapies, as well as EMDR. We were both founding members of Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health, the largest residential wellness center on the east coast. Recently we realized a long time dream of bringing into our lives more adventure, sunshine, and connection to nature by relocating to southern Colorado from Massachusetts.

Please contact us...

Joel: 970-259-7585; Kate 970-259-3424