Building an Intimate Team

For couples, all of life is foreplay…or not. What is sexy is a great question; what creates goodwill is equally important. It is hard to overcome a serious lack of goodwill, even if your partner is sexy. Sex is extremely important. Sometimes, for some of us we’ll take it whenever we can get it, goodwill or no goodwill. For others, a lack of goodwill is death to our sex life. No way anything is going to happen unless some serious acts of connection happen real soon!

Forget about “making love”; if you’re not even feeling connected, what’s there to make? Sex…maybe, Love…doubtful! Now, back to foreplay. We define it as: “Actions that cause you to like, respect, appreciate and feel known by your beloved”. You may not think you understand what says foreplay to your partner, but I’ll bet you have a pretty good idea what doesn’t.

When couples first “fall-Into-Love” there is a massive amount of foreplay going on at-all-times. Little love notes, endless eye-gazing, touch of all kinds, unlimited interest in one another’s world/heart & soul, endless sweet surprises and heartfelt appreciation. Separations, no matter how short, are agonizing. Even the need to eat goes away…you are filled to the brim with something magically potent!

Marriage is a team sport; you win or lose together

Typically the delightful phenomenon of first love lasts between 2 months and 2 years. Falling in love is easy. It happens almost by accident. Building long-term love is no accident. For most of us it takes a whole lot of intentionality and the care that goes into building anything of lasting beauty. When someone undertakes a great journey, climbing Mt. Everest for example, there is a lot of forethought, preparation and training that goes into it. Just imagine the list you would come up with when considering what you'd need in order to create a mountain of love with your partner. You'd have to consider what would make them feel loved. If you don't know, you'd have to ask (imagine that!). Then you would go about the task of becoming that person, yes, making attempts to change your self for the purpose of becoming a better lover. Is this really so different than conquering Everest?

Remember that the people who climb Everest don't succeed at that great task by themselves. They have guides to show them the best route: Probably a Sherpa or 2 to help lighten their load. They've invested in the best equipment they could afford and taken precautions for times when they might become weak, disoriented or feel like giving up. Even though they have prepared for the journey and read every book on how to survive it, success is not guaranteed. The effort and the experience is priceless though and learning a ton about oneself is guaranteed. Our good intentions and optimism, while very helpful, must be mixed in with a sizable helping of education and endless scoops of courage to face our own fears, limiting beliefs and vulnerabilities.

Life Is Foreplay; Both Partners Have To “Play”

Consider these principles for a successful Journey

  1. Intimacy is built over time through contact and connection
  2. Intimacy is about self-disclosure: In to me you see.
  3. Self disclosure is the practice of vulnerability
  4. Vulnerability is impossible without emotional, mental and physical safety.
  5. Fight and flight are very real between intimate partners. We must create safety in the relationship if we want to be intimate.
  6. How to create an atmosphere where vulnerability is encouraged:
    1. Cultivate the attitude that both people’s world are worthy of equal care.
    2. Learn to listen curiously deeply and respectfully
    3. Learn what says I love you to your partner and do it.
    4. Take 100% responsibility for you part of any conflict. Learn the art of conflict repair.
    5. Life is foreplay: Grown up lovemaking is about vulnerability in sexual expression. Create bridges to desire through non- demand pleasurable touch in and outside the bedroom.
    6. Work on your own stuff: learn to be attuned to the world inside of you; then you will be able to create In To Me You see with your partner.


  • Counseling

    Our long-distance relationship counseling/coaching is a unique blend of education, skill building, and facilitating you to grow into the partner/person you would like to be in your relationships.

  • Intensives

    Our private 3-day retreats serve one couple at time. Some of the top priorities that we address are: breaking through unresolved issues, extra-marital affairs, deepening communication, increasing sex and intimacy.