Loving and Being Loved

Over coffee this morning we were talking about what really creates change and improvement in an intimate relationship.

Couples want to love more, have more sex, solve problems more lovingly, manage parenting styles, figure out finances, decide what to do after retirement etc etc.

But what is the ingredient that induces each partner to be better so the relationship thrives?

Today we mused about the “good will” factor. Do we each have to have a warm place in our heart (even a little) that motivates us to turn toward each other and make, what Julie and John Gottman refer to as “bids for connection”?

The human heart loves to love and be loved. We are pretty certain that what creates change are moments of pleasurable, loving connection on a regular basis. The brain and the heart respond to positive attention. It’s how we’re hard wired.

Of course there are many reasons why human beings have trouble giving and receiving simple moments of loving kindness. So we could say the art of loving is simple but not easy.

However, I’m much more inclined to change my hurtful patterns of behavior if I can learn about them in a non-shaming, but kind environment.  And I’m much more apt to take in your bid for connection and respond positively if you’re vulnerably telling me about a need you have, instead of telling me what I’m doing wrong.

  • Counseling

    Our long-distance relationship counseling/coaching is a unique blend of education, skill building, and facilitating you to grow into the partner/person you would like to be in your relationships.

  • Intensives

    Our private 3-day retreats serve one couple at time. Some of the top priorities that we address are: breaking through unresolved issues, extra-marital affairs, deepening communication, increasing sex and intimacy.