Thinking About Divorce

Shall We Stay Together Or Say Good-Bye?

This is often a heart-wrenching question especially when children are involved. We have helped many couples respectfully discuss this question face to face, even when one partner wants to split up and the other doesn’t. We have also helped couples explore reasons to say good-bye and reasons to stay. It’s not an easy discussion, but in an atmosphere of safety, thoughtfulness, and with some good facilitation, partners often find their way to a decision.

Some of the Reasons Couples Consider Divorce

• There’s been infidelity and one partner’s heart is broken; it seems too hard to recover.
• The children are grown, and you feel you don’t have anything in common anymore
• You have changed and you believe you no longer share the same values or interests
• You don’t have that “in love” feeling anymore
• You fight too much; there are too many hurts and resentments built up over time.
• Your emotional needs have not been met (enough) and you’re starving for connection, affection and love.
• Sexual problems- loss of libido, loss of intimacy.
• Treating one another over time with contempt.
• Addictions
• Long term depression
• Emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse.

In Our Private Intensive Couples Retreats, We Help You

• Assess what your reasons are for considering ending your relationship
• Dialogue with respect and honesty about your feelings, perspectives, and needs
• Determine if you want to make a “last attempt” to reconcile and re-commit to your relationship.
• Understand how you came to the current cross roads
• Look at options for moving forward together or separately
• Find a way to remain respectful to one another if you decide to divorce.

Most couples do not come to our retreats ready to divorce. They are often torn apart by conflict but still feel love and care for one another. This is normal. Sometimes one partner is more “done” than the other but wants to explore the possibility of re-connection. Sometimes both partners are pretty sure a separation would be healthier but are frightened. They are concerned about their children, or the financial impacts of divorce.

We are great believers in the power of being a couple. We understand that when human beings are partnered with love, they are healthier, happier and stronger. But we don’t believe that couples should stay together no matter what. We can help you sort out whether and how to remain in your marriage or say good bye.

How to Stop a Divorce

The way to stop a divorce is by preventing yourselves from getting to the place where someone in the marriage feels the need for one. Couples who are an intimate team, who talk to each other, touch one another, and have built trust and intimacy over time, are practicing divorce prevention.

If you have pushed your unhappiness under the rug for a long time, one of you is likely to have the impulse to split up. When you bring it up to your partner, they are probably going to feel blind-sided.

However, it’s pretty normal for partners to push things under the rug over time. You will have to wake up to the unhappiness between you and be willing to change yourself if you want to stop a divorce.

Some of the ways you might have to change are:

• Clarify what you personally have to change about yourself to be a better partner – this includes understanding your partner’s frustrations about you.
• Clean up and heal old hurts you have caused over time.
• Learn relationship skills and use them
• Get out of being a victim of your circumstance.
• Learn what says, “I love you” to your partner and do it.
• Believe in yourself, stand tall, make a strong commitment to do whatever it takes to re-connect, recover, and re-energize your relationship.

During our retreats we will not judge either of you if you decide to say goodbye. We will not advocate for you to stay together if you don’t want to. However, if you want to explore whether divorce or separation is right for you, we will help you understand your options. We will also help you learn how you can prevent a divorce and re-discover the love you originally felt. If, during your time with us, you choose to say good-bye we will help you do that consciously and graciously. We have helped many couples follow the path of separation without animosity.

Recovery from Divorce

Divorce will radically transform your life. It is a passage that is often ignored in our culture, but one that sometimes brings with it deep grief and even depression. Couples who have children will always have some sort of relationship with one another. How do you prepare for this? How do you learn to have a civil and respectful relationship with the other parent of your children?

If you are moving toward divorce and want to do so with respect and care, then an intensive retreat can give you tools to cope. Some of these include:

• Each of you getting personal support –because we are a couple counseling team, we can meet separately and together to help you sort through your own personal issues.
• Practicing skillful communications to help with boundaries and to maintain respect
• Learning to avoid power struggles and arguments
• How to talk to your kids.
• Giving yourself permission to feel sad, angry, frustrated and confused.
• Creating strategies for self-care, and relaxing so you’re not hard on yourself as you transition.

The most important thing about contemplating divorce is that you don’t have to go it alone. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional advice and support. Regardless of how things end up, you probably have a lot of conflicting feelings, and thoughts. We would be happy to help you together, or separately sort through some of the confusion.

Call or Email us now for a FREE CONSULTATION, application and registration forms.
Katrina: 970 259 3424
Joel: 970 259 7585

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